Grow

July 4th 2018

Today is two years since I started at my job. I’d completely forgotten until someone ironically said “Happy Independence Day!” because, as stated above, today is July 4th.

I started my job on independence day — it was my first job out of Uni. I always found that a satisfying coincidence. Back then I was still living with my Mum and Dad, and serving pizza for a living.

Two years later and I think I’m doing pretty well. Insofar as I’ve moved into my own (rented, with Alice) house, and I no longer serve Pizza. I feel like I’ve changed quite a lot as a person in the last two years. Mainly, I’ve grown up. Working in an environment where I have to meet and talk to a load of new people has taught me to kind of grow out of my social anxiety. When I started at the company I was terrified of speaking to people I didn’t know, but now it doesn’t bother me. And that’s transferred from work to my personal life as well. I’m better at talking to strangers than I ever was before.

That’s natural, I suppose, but I’m proud of it.

Sometimes it feels like time is passing slowly, and sometimes it feels rapid. I’ve just looked back at the blog post I wrote on this date last year, and I was complaining about the hubcap falling off my old car. I said at the end of that blog that I needed to get a new car so that I’d have something to show for a whole year’s worth of work. Three months later I had that new car.

Progress. That’s all I’m after. I need to know that I’m going forward because I’m terrified of standing still. Although, not too long ago I was more impatient about my constant demand for progress, to the point where I was stressing myself out with all of the side projects I was throwing myself into. Now, though, I’m more relaxed, but that requirement for progression is still there.

One thing the last two years has given me is a more clear sense of what I enjoy doing, and what I want to be doing in the future. And not just what I tell myself I should want to be doing.

That last sentence might not make sense without context, but it doesn’t really need to.

I’m doing well, objectively speaking, but I always want to be doing better. And that drive often comes from any one of ambition or greed or arrogance, it’s often hard to discern which one. And, more recently, there’s been uncertainty, which brings with it both fear and excitement.

Looking back on the blog post from the day I joined the company, I feel like a different person. I sound so young. And now I feel really old even though I’m really young. I dunno, I’ve just… grown up a bit. And that’s progress.

Until tomorrow, and progress is all I’m after.

Jacn

 

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