Grief

March 31st 2017

Today it’s a year to the day since my Nan died. I’ve known that this anniversary has been coming for a while now, but I’m still no closer to processing it. It seems impossible that it’s been a year, but to me it still feels impossible that it even happened.

I’ve not really grieved at all. I don’t really know what it means.

I did most of my grieving when she was diagnosed, I processed the information, understood the outcome, and broke down. I didn’t sleep very well for a couple of weeks. But that was before the fact. After the fact – a while after the fact – I was okay. And I’ve been okay, I’m not crying hysterically or throwing chairs.

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I mean, if I look at a picture of her for too long I’ll probably start crying, but I’m okay other than that. I wear a pendant around my neck that she gave to me, so it sometimes feels like part of her is still around with me – if that doesn’t sound too crazy.

I think the fact that I knew it was coming helped me in some ways. It’s either that or I’m still trying to figure it out – that I’ve still not accepted it completely. I don’t really know how to.

The death is hard, but the difficult bit is after the death. I get that she died, but I don’t get that she’s not around any more. Like, I can’t just go round for a chat or a cup of tea. I sometimes think that I can. But I can’t any more. And that’s sad. That’s really sad. I can’t understand that. It’s like I forget, for the briefest of moments, and then the realisation is damning, and painful.

Maybe what I’m describing is grief. I don’t really have anything to compare it to. Maybe grief doesn’t have to be tears.

At this point I don’t know if I’m dealing with it well, or poorly. I just know that I miss her.

Until tomorrow, I miss you.

Jacn

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4 thoughts on “Grief

  1. Xena says:

    Anniversaries of the deaths of those we are close to can always be sad. Remembering the good times we had with them brings us pleasure, and sadness. Thanks for sharing your story and your heart.

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