December 7th 2015 

Today I went to Laser Quest for our staff Christmas Do and I learnt a couple things about myself. 

First, I’m more competitive than I thought. For some reason it was really important to me that I win every game. And I did win every game. We played two games and I won two games. (I feel I should stop here and explain that Laser Quest is like paint balling but with lasers. You fire laser bullets from laser guns at your competitors and the person who shoots the most people wins.) and yeah, I won. I don’t know if I wanted to win for sense of accomplishment for myself or for the adoration from others but either way I got neither. I just had to win, strangely so, because I’m not usually like that. 

The second thing I learnt about myself requires a second explanation. At Laser Quest you have to choose a name by which you are identified. The aim is to be inventive and silly so that it pops up on the screen of your gun ‘you’ve been shot by Buzz Lightyear’ or something inventive and silly. 

So everyone was choosing nicknames or Star Wars characters or the name of Chris Pratt’s character in Guardians of the Galaxy (Starlord) but when it was my turn to choose a name I just went for my own name. I went for ‘James’ no invention, or silliness. I felt like I was under pressure to choose something funny and anything I chose would be judged. I mean, that’s a bullshit way of thinking because no one gives a fuck, but I just didn’t want to embarrass myself by choosing a name that wasn’t funny or inventive or silly. The name I was going to choose was ‘Buzz’, and I thought it made sense because of his laser gun and everything but I was worried that it wasn’t ‘right’. And I feel daft writing it but that’s how I felt. 
I had the uncontrollable desire to both win, and to not make a fool of myself. I find I do that a lot. Afterwards we went for drinks and because there was so many of us I was scared of contributing to be conversation at risk of sounding like an idiot or saying the wrong thing. 

I don’t know what that means. 

Until tomorrow, bang bang, she shot me down. 



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