Unknown

May 28th 2015 

Today I am getting dangerously close to having finished my degree. I am three days away. Three. 72 hours from now I’ll be asleep on the night before my last ever University exam. 

This is mad. 

Everything is going to get so real so quickly and I’m not ready for it at all. Right now my eyes are so solely focused on June 1st I’ve not thought about what comes after it. 

This exam period has dragged, it feels like I’ve been living the same day over and over for months now. It’s like a really shit version of Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. Every day is the same, I see the same people, I walk the same streets, I open the same notes and learn the same proofs. There’s no variety right now. 

On June 2nd everything changes. On June 2nd I’m not a student anymore. I then move on to being unemployed. I don’t get student discount in TopMan. I don’t get a free cheeseburger with any medium meal at McDonald. I don’t get cheaper cinema tickets. 

I’m going to start having to pay full price for things. And that’s the most terrifying thought out of everything. 

Okay, it’s not. 

The scariest thing is the unknown. 

Up until now I have known what I am doing with pretty much every single day of my life. I’ve always been a student, every day I’ve been to school or college and university. But when I finish university I leave the cover of that umbrella and go for a walk in the room. 

As a student I know when I have lectures, I know when I have exams, so every day has a structure and a purpose and an end goal. June 1st is the end goal. June 1st is my last exam. And after I’ve hit that I don’t know what’s next. 

The unknown is terrifying. 

I don’t know where I will be in a year. I don’t know where I’ll live, who I’ll be living with, what I’ll be doing for work, where my next dinner is coming from, anything. 

I know what I want, but nothing is certain. And it’s fucking terrifying. 

It’s ironic really, because a pretty large part of my degree consists of solving for unknowns.

Until tomorrow, you’d’ve thought I’d’ve got the hang of it by now.

Jacn

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