May 2nd 2015
Today I chose to revise. And then I chose to stop revising. And then I chose to have a break for food. And then I chose to get back to revision. My point here is that I can make active decisions as to whether or not I am going to revise. I am capable of revising from 09-23 hundred hours with only breaks for food and water. The decision is mine. But I choose not to.
Not because I can’t, because I can. It is possible, I am capable, but I… well… I don’t.
It’s annoying, and I don’t quite know how to explain this, but I am aware that as a human I am capable of doing 14 hour revision sessions non-stop with no breaks in concentration. Like, it can be done. I’m not defying the laws of physics or anything. I just need to be able to press that button and boom. 14 hours. Done. But there is something stopping me. And it’s not just me. I don’t know many people that do sessions like the one I’ve just described. But what I’m saying is that it’s possible. I just choose not to do it. Not actively, but passively.
I’m finding this very hard to describe so I’ll change it slightly.
It is possible for me to run a 26 mile marathon. I have two working legs, am in perfect (as far as I know, at least) health, and am young with a good heart and good lungs. I could run a marathon, and by that I mean that I am capable of running a marathon. But do I? No. Because it’s hard. It’s bloody hard. But it’s doable. No physical laws or restrictions need to be broken for me to run a marathon. Don’t get me wrong. it would be hard, and long, and painful, probably, and I probably wouldn’t finish one if I tried. But what I am saying is that there is nothing stopping me from being able to do one. It is possible. Just like there’s nothing seriously wrong with doing a 14 hour straight revision session.
But just like how I didn’t run the London Marathon last weekend, I didn’t do a 14 hour revision session today. But I would love to do both of those things, and I am capable of doing both of those things, I just make a choice not to. I don’t wake up in the morning and think “Right, I’m not going to revise for the next 14 straight hours.” I get up, I lay around, I work for 2 hours, I have lunch, I work for an hour, check my phone, change my playlist, work for another hour, lie down, eat, work, tesco, food, drink. I choose to do all of those things that are distracting me from work. I need to eat, I need to drink. Those aren’t choices so much as necessities, but I don’t need to take an hour and a half lunch break to eat a sandwich.
I’m trying, I am really trying to revise as much as possible. The only problem is that I’m no where near what is possible. 14 hour days are possible. 20 hour days are possible. If I did 23 hour days every day until the day before my last exam, I could come out of that exam and think “I could have done more” Because it is possible for me to have done more, to have worked harder.
I just chose not to. Not because I didn’t want to do well, or because I couldn’t. I just didn’t.
And this sounds like me being lazy and that I’m not working at all, but that’s not true. I am working a lot. I just…
Until tomorrow, I just want to be a little bit closer to what is possible…