May 1st 2015
Today, because it was cold in my house I put on the warmest jumper I had. Which happened to be a Christmas jumper. I guess they’re warm because they’re supposed to be worn for, well, Christmas, when it’s not warm at all.
Because I was just revising in my room it didn’t particularly matter that I was wearing a red wooden jumper with a grey silhouette of a reindeer.
But then I got hungry at lunch time so I walked to Dough to get food, forgetting I was brandishing a reindeer on my chest.
I realised, and remembered after the second or third glance at my chest from someone past whom I walked. Not too long ago I’d’ve been mortified. But recently I’ve just stopped caring what strangers think.
If you’ll remember, over Easter I went to the beach and played a round of mini-golf wearing pyjama bottoms that I’d fashioned into shorts. I just honestly don’t care anymore.
My problem was always that I thought too much. Say I went out wearing a reindeer jumper a few months ago, I’d’ve been overthinking everything. I’d’ve assumed that everyone I walked past was thinking “what the hell is this kid doing. What a weirdo. What a freak. What a state.”
But now, either I now just assume that no ones thinking that, or I just don’t care if they do. In six weeks I won’t again see any of the people in this city that I know, so I’m not going to waste my time worrying about how those I don’t know perceive me.
I’ve always been self-concious, always. I’ve assumed that everyone thinks the worst of me, and that’s partly because I’m a narcissist and assume that everyone will notice me, even if it’s for bad reasons.
The plus side is that although I’m a selfconscious narcissist, I’m also pretty good at acting like I’m confident even if at times I’m not.
Saying that, I think I’m getting over it. Although I probably won’t wear a Christmas jumper out of the house again. Just because it’s kind of paradoxical to be wearing it in May.
Until tomorrow, merry Christmas and a happy new May.