Judge

April 5th 2015

Today we went out to dinner with a large part of Alices family. People I’ve rarely met, or barely met. 

Somehow they knew I’ve written a book. I guess Alice must’ve told them or something. 

Anyway, they asked me about it. They asked me what it was about, if it was about Alice, if they could read it, how I came up with parts of it, and stuff. And I felt really uncomfortable. Not because they were asking, more because I didn’t know how to answer. 

I guess how I was feeling was embarrassed? Which is ridiculous, I know it’s something to be proud of, but I’ve always been very private and secretive with it. But now suddenly everyone knows. And to me, now people are expecting things. 

They’re expecting it to read it, and for it to be amazing, and for it to be published, and shit. But I’ve not thought of that before. I’ve never thought of people reading it. 

Or at least, I’ve thought that the people who read it will be people who I can’t see, who I don’t know. 

I feel judged, and insecure, and scared. 

Which, again, I know is ridiculous. 

When it’s just me and my Mum, or me and Alice, I can talk about my book for hours, but in front of people I’m not comfortable with I get scared and embarrassed. 

I’m flattered that people are interested in it enough to ask me about it, I just wish I had a better answer for them. 

Until tomorrow, I am my own greatest judge. 

Jacn

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