March 11th 2015

Today I went to the gym. To follow on from yesterday, going to the gym isn’t something I do habitually. I go through phases of going four times a week followed by a phase of going once every four weeks. But this week I’ve gone on back to back days.

My problem with the gym is that I don’t care about it half as much as the rest of the people in there. A quarter. An eighth. Today we went to the ‘Strength and Conditioning Centre’ which is as steroid filled as it sounds. It’s full of the people that wake up in the gym, have breakfast, lunch and dinner in the gym and then go to sleep in the gym.

There’s one guy, a Scottish guy whose arms are the size of my waist, that is in there every single time I go. No matter what time I go. If I go at 11am he’s there, if I go at 7pm he’s there. At first I thought it was a massive coincidence that he just happened to choose the same time to go as we do every day. But then I realised the reason he’s always there at the same time is because he never leaves. He’s always there, and we just visit him.

The Strength and Conditioning centre is full of people that take Strength and Conditioning very very seriously, whereas I don’t, you see. I can never stick to it for long enough to think about conditioning anything other than my hair. But for these people, the gym is everything. And I’m not mocking that, I’m admiring it. I’m envious of their dedication. That’s the one thing I don’t have that I wish I did, dedication.

I do wish I had more Strength and Conditioning, especially when we go over to that gym, because what with me being clinically underweight (6 foot, 10.5 stone) I feel severely out of place next to the tree’s in the S&C. I’m very aware that I’m the smallest, thinnest, weakest in the room. But the thing is, I’m the only person that is aware of that. Everyone in the gym just does their own thing, they don’t care about anyone else, but I always feel self-concious. I feel that they’ll judge the comparatively small weights I’m lifting. But in reality, they aren’t. They don’t care about me.

It’s still there in my head though. That’s what I’m like. I assume people are looking at me when they’re not. I assume people are whispering about me when they aren’t.

It’s tough, but so am I.

Until tomorrow, harder, better, faster, stronger.



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